I'm still tryna see what THAT be like.

I dont even know what to think these days, I got so much goin' from school problems, to money problems, to friend problems, to health problems. So as I try to slow things down and make sense of everything I just do the opposite and things get more and more confusin'. All I want is to be able to go to sleep and wake up on my birthday(July 18th). Its like everything is on my mind at one time so I can't concentrate on any one thing, then once I do focus in on somethin' I don't know what to do about it. My deepest fear is not that I'm inadequate, but that someone wont be able to see past and/or deal with those inadequacies. Now I'm not just talkin' about ANYBODY I mean someone close to me, more like someone I wanna be with. Maybe I'm just worryin' too much, maybe I've got too much on my mind to make sense of anything, whateva it is, its eatin away at me ALL the time. Maybe what I need is someone to reassure me that I'm worryin' for no reason, that my insecurities are all in my head. Either way I can't just give up, even though I may feel like it sometimes, cuz I'm still tryna see what THAT be like.

Till next time,

TOPSYKRET

Random thought . . . Part 2

I guess last time I forgot to touch on some things, you see I was so concerned about treatin' HER right and fulfillin' HER dreams that I forgot to explain that in relationships its not all about the "SHE". I mean what if after all that SHE just packs up and leaves? I mean will all the bullshit yall went through be all for nothing? Maybe its somethin' SHE just doesnt understand? Maybe what she doesnt realize is that I could be happy with HER by just holdin' HER hand? Yea I know we all grown and thats what little kids do, but I'd do anything just to show HER I care too. And when I let HER have HER way, its not cuz im weak, its cuz I'd do anything just for HER to stay. So wheneva SHE thinks I could care less, I just say what Drake said, "You da fuckin' best!". Cuz wat SHE doesnt know is even when SHE says SHEs fed up wit dudes, I come right back cuz I refuse to lose, and I tell HER I'm not perfect but I got a desire to improve. But what if just like treatin' HER right, my sincere words dont work either, should I just say "have a nice life." and leave HER? Even if I could I wouldn't, cuz dats not my style. Cuz see I'd go to hell and back just to see HER smile. And I wouldn't think twice about it, or even take take time to think longer, cuz wateva doesn't kill me just makes me stronger. So then SHE could have a stronger man, cuz even if SHE doesnt know it, I'm tryin' as hard as I can. But whats the point of "steppin ya game up" if SHE doesn't wanna see? Its like SHE can look at everything about me except what I'm tryin' to be. Now don't get me wrong SHE is someone I'd neva wanna disrespect, and no matter what happens SHE is someone I'd neva regret. So regardless of what happens next, for HER, I will always be grateful. Whether we become lovers or friends, to HER I will be faithful.


Till next time,

TOPSYKRET